First Day of...?

So here's the thing:
I don't know what I'm doing here.

I mean that literally and metaphorically, kind of, just hang with me and I'll get there.

First, the literal: I don't know what I'm doing sitting here, in my bed, munching on pop tarts and alternating between glaring intensely at the pile of boxes in my room and at my laptop screen. I should be up, maybe working on some homework, hanging out with some friends, filling some part of the role of "your-average-everyday-teenager". Well, I'm not doing that. I'm here in bed. Rambling.

But the metaphorical stuff is more interesting (when I say "stuff", what I really mean is convoluted philosophical nonsense, but I'll try to keep it simple for my own benefit as well as yours). I don't know what I'm supposed to do next, what's going to happen next, or...well, anything. I'm going to have to make choices about things soon and that freaks me the hell out.

I'm used to having things plotted out for me. For those out there who don't know me, quick lifetime recap, in "flashes-before-your-eyes" style:

Born Chicago, raised small town-style.
Swim lessons begin, age 3.
Competitive swimming begins, age 8.
Make friends outside of swimming (shocking!), age 10.
Move away from aforementioned friends, age 12.
Continue swimming, slightly friendless, age 12.5.
Become socially awkward and uncommonly mean to some people, age 13.
Go to high school, still socially awkward, still swimming, age 15.
Join debate team, make friends, lose social awkwardness, lose interest in swimming, age 16.
Stop swimming, age 17.
Final debate meet ends, yesterday.
Now, age 18.

So, here's what happened. After a horrifically long day (that was actually fairly fun), and after saying goodbye to debate friends that I will probably never see again and watching some people drive away who's friendships I had let dwindle in the face of climbing the Everest that is college applications, I arrived home. I got in bed, I fell asleep, felt nothing. And then I woke up.

Today has been one of the weirdest days I have had in a long time. Nothing important happened, I suppose, except for some quality thinking. I already knew that it would be uncommonly odd to be done with speech and debate. But with an elapsed time of about 3.4 seconds, it hit me that it was just the first of the things that are important to me that are inevitably going to end.

By this time next year, I may not be talking to many of my friends. I will no longer have my own room or free food. I will no longer be able to see all of the stars in the sky, and most of the people I would normally call on for support will be several hundred miles away.

So, apparently, this is the first day of something important. My life? Probably not, I was born quite a while ago. My future? Could be, but it's kind of hard for the future to start when I'm stuck in the present. So what?

I don't think this is the first day of anything. It is the first day of many days to come where things will no longer be the same, changed by some inevitability, personal oversight, or changed outlook. I think this is the first day of nothing; the first day where I have nothing in front of me but what I put there myself. It's an encouraging idea. I'm horrified.

Hope you'll stay tuned for all the days to come.