I like girls. I like guys. I have dated both.
So, here's the thing: I don't really want to make this into a big thing. I mean, I kind of do, but I really really don't. I've been slightly resisting making new posts on here, because none of the posts were really what I wanted to talk about. I have a few pending posts about wearing masks in front of different friends (that one is pretty interesting, you'll have to look forward to that one), about the grim skies of Pittsburgh, about the dramatic effect of rain upon writing style, the values of non-fiction/poetry hybrids. But all of them only touched on the issue that I was actually dealing with in my head the whole time. And, really, that's kind of what this blog has been helping me deal with. (You've just been inceptioned. Yes, that is a word now.)
This blog, for a long time, has been about the transition between adulthood and non-adulthood, about not being sure about what comes next. Well, ironically enough, I still have no idea what comes next. That much hasn't changed for me. Even being in college (yes, I have been woefully out of contact on this blog, and as my consolations I offer you one hundred million apologies, or two hugs, whichever you prefer) has only given me a slight reaffirmation of some things. (I like writing. Yay. I already knew that. Huh.) I'm still wavy on some other things. Like how to talk to someone you look up to. Or how to function in today's society without coming off as a twisted combination of a condescending prick and a socially awkward leper. Kind of like Jesse Eisenberg, but slightly more ethnic.
I feel like I've been hiding a bit of myself for awhile. In my poetry class I wrote a zuihitsu (I'll be posting that on this blog in a bit if you want a glimpse at my mind, slightly edited to protect some identities) about my experiences with masking a faction of myself. I was never changing my personality, but my answers to questions always varied slightly. I was never really honest about things, even if I avoided direct lies. It's like in sitcoms when the character comedically changes their words to skirt around a topic that one of the other characters conveniently can't know. But the world doesn't really work like that. I don't want it to work like that, at least. I have to break that cycle, if I ever want to be able to be happy. That's what this is.
Anyway, I haven't changed that much. At least I don't think so. If anything I've regressed. I fell back into my old pattern of wearing quirky t-shirts because that's how I felt comfortable. I got to remind myself that I was clever every day. I'm trying to break that habit, because I feel much better when I wear something that I like instead of what the people like, but things are slow going. Only a few things are constant.
I love my friends, get to know me and I'll do anything for you. I love my parents, and my sister, because despite their disfunction and occasional inability to stay in the same room, they are more than supportive of everything I try. I love my old team (you know who you are, We're what Willis was talking about). I love writing, because that's what drives me, through everything. And I'm queer.
That's me. No big changes. Nothing to see here.
